Toferkey And the Decadence of the Turducken

People crack me up. I think a lot of people have a hard time letting go of the way they're used to doing things.

If you notice in a lot of markets and health food stores, you see things made of soy or something but it's in the shape of and imitates the meat. I suppose that's great and a healthy alternative but it just makes me laugh that some people can't let the idea of eating meat go. I'm not a vegan or even a vegetarian but I'm not sure I can bring myself to buy "soysages" and "toferkey". That food makes me laugh too much.

On the flip scale, during the holidays you can get a "Turducken". For those unaware it's actually a small duck, stuffed inside a chicken, which is then stuffed inside a turkey. I mean, holy F that's a lot of meat! There's people struggling in the garbage for a peach pit and here we are eating the poultry version of Voltron.

Choices

I'm a huge fan of having a wide selection of things to choose from. If you listen to my music, (cheap plug), you'll notice I have a pretty wide range of tastes. I like variety. My collection of music I listen to, is also that way; I'll listen to just about anything so long as it's good. I guess "good" is subjective but I have good tastes. ;-)

So you go to the supermarket and you get a wide variety of great foods and produce and items to choose from. Then you go to these restaurants and they have custom dishes but you get all kinds of choices to come along with that.

I think it's the restaurant thing that bugs me. Again, I'm an advocate of choices, but is there a such thing as too much?

Me: "I'll have the hamburger"
Waitress: "how do you want that cooked? Rare, medium-rare, medium, medium-well, well done?"
Me: "Well done"
Waitress: "What kind of bread? White, wheat, honey oat, sourdough"
Me: "Wheat"
Waitress: "What kind of cheese? American, Cheddar, Swiss, Jack, etc.."
Me: "American, thanks"
Waitress: "Comes with a side dish; vegetables, fries, mashed potatoes"
Me: "Fries, I guess...thanks."
Waitress: "Soup or Salad?"
Me: "uuuh I dunno...Salad"
Waitress: "Dressing? Ranch, Italian, Creamy Cucumber, Vinigrette, etc..."
Me: "uuuh Vinigrette..."
Waitress: "What kind of lettuce? Romaine, Iceberg..."


Just give me the friggin' food lady! It seems my restaurant experiences require this book length dialogue with the waitstaff.

Again, I'm a big fan of choices, but I'm not gonna cause a ruckus over what type of lettuce you give me in my side salad. I think Sushi bars have the right idea...just check off what you want. Restaurants should adopt that and if any special requests then the waitstaff can be addressed. Also that way I know what I need to make the choices on. The menus don't go into that much detail, so you just think, "yeah I want a hamburger" and don't realize you have a billion other things to think about in the process of obtaining that. I'm a firm believer it shouldn't require 20 questions and a dissertation to get a hamburger.

But it occurred to me how many choices we have to make throughout the day. I mean, it has to be in the thousands; where to go, what to turn, who to speak to, how to go about your day, what to eat, what to do next, who to have carnal relations with, etc... I can imagine for some people it causes some degree of angst.

Better than being a robot I suppose.

Trees

I'm no tree-hugger but you know what? Go hug a tree.

Seriously I don't know how desert people do it. One of the reasons I'm so appreciative of trees now, is not just because they provide oxygen and wood. Nor just because I watched Lord of the Rings and empathized with the Ents. But because during lunch breaks I typically like to read in my car. During the summers especially, the sun blazes down and even having the windows down, it still gets hot as F. Trees provide the shade, so I'm comfortable in my car. Something I took for granted growing up in a small town on Cape Cod. It's harder to find for me now in my new location at work here in So Cal, but it's so friggin' valuable at that time for me to have shade so I can eat, read and take a power nap.

Hooray for trees.

A Rose By Any Other Name Would Be Just As Funny

Well first off, I’d like to note that at your local convenience store…most like the 7-11 since they are everywhere…you may notice a product of hilarity. I’ve seen this orange or red packaged granola bar with the title “Sweet And Salty Nut”.

Now I’m no marketing genius but one would think that a person living in this country would be hip to whatever colloquialisms are going on these days. However, perhaps it works better than I’m giving credit because I do remember the product. I’m not gonna buy it on sheer principle, but I do remember it!

That reminds me…I’m pretty sure people remember those late night commercials for NADS which is a waxy hair removal product from Australia. I giggle to myself everytime I’ve seen it. “Rub NADS on your face…” Ha!

Some names of products are not as raunchy but funny nonetheless. I was just reminded talking with a new friend of mine, that I recall driving behind this Infiniti. And of course they have that insignia and logo on the back. Nice car! Well next to it, on the top right of the trunk is the edition...it was Limited. I don't know if the manufacturers or the driver of the vehicle found that as funny as I did, but I couldn't help notice that irony.

Meanwhile, to my right was some hot blonde driving a cherry red convertable with her finger 2 knuckles deep in her nose. What a hilarious day.

This is a segue into the real meat of my thoughts today. I actually was just reminiscing on an e-mail chain started by me with a couple friends of mine from a previous job. My friend Sage and I started thinking of names of products because I brought up the fact that it was funny how a lot of breakthrough medical products have allusions to the thing they are trying to cure embedded in the name. Often even says what it does…Flonase for example. Clever! I’ve seen Dermatol, Vagasil, Herpacin….I mean, I’m glad they’re descriptive but they seem kind of gross. I’m expecting medicine related to hemorrhoids to be called Bungcoolafed. How about Itchyassitin? Maybe a jock itch formula called Scratchballasol. Cure for smelly butt? Try Stankbootafed.

Quick note: Sage is a good friend of mine and a great poet by the way. I’d provide a link here but she doesn’t have a friggin’ website showcasing her talent. HINT HINT SAGE!

Spider Pig

So I finally saw the Simpsons movie. I personally thought it was pretty hilarious. As some friends said, it was like watching a long episode on TV. I guess that would bother some people but I thought it was great. Like giving back 10 bucks for all that free entertainment on Fox. Well, we pay for it with watching all those damn ads.

That actually reminds me, thank God for Matt Groening and more recently Seth MacFarlane. Hours of entertainment from The Simpsons and Family Guy; I don't think I've laughed more than at those 2 shows. Amazing that a couple of cartoons can be more rich and complex (and funny) than 99% of the "real" shows.

Late night; I'm sleepy and I'm at work trying not to drink coffee and trying to remember some of the funnier lines from the movie. I guess I'll wait for the DVD.

Lizard of Odds

Random: Is it a bad omen if you have a lizard on your desk at work? I frankly don't know how it got there, and moreso WHY it was there, but apparently it figured it should be near me. I actually thought it was a fake toy someone left on the shelf on my desk but something told me not to touch it with my hands and I used a notebook and sure enough the thing moved. Freaked me out for a second as I'm not accustomed to reptiles being on my desk, then I was just laughing. Because really I'm no where near the door, and I don't recall having my lizard musk on. So I asked my colleagues if anyone had a pet lizard and apparently no one claimed him. So my boss got it in a cup and I got it in a plastic bag and took it outside to let him go.

If anyone reading this has any other random critter stories, please share.