Pho King Awesome

I just had to post this pic as proof restaurant owners can get away with humor if you're clever enough. (special loving thanks to Trish for sending me this pic like a year ago). Long Live the Pho King!

Award For The Brinks Security Driver

In case you didn't know, once in a while I give out awards. Well the other day I spotted a prime candidate and nominee for "Biggest Colonic Orifice" aka "Biggest Asshole" award. He just may win, but it's only half way through the year, I haven't actually spoken to him yet and I could have very well caught him on a bad day. I suspect for him, those are called Weekdays.

So I was out near Panda Express (yes I know it's not authentic Chinese food but it's the only thing quasi-healthy nearby) trying to find parking and a security truck driver from Brinks Security left his (large) truck running while he was somewhere. Now I sort of assumed this could be a security measure and perhaps he was transferring money or something. But to my not-so-surprise, he was coming out with food.

A few issues with this scenario.

1. His truck was parked and running..not only is that just bad for the environment to leave the car idling while not in use, but I presume he left the keys in the truck. So he's environmentally unfriendly and dumb too. And frankly I'm not a big fan of people who sit in their car while it's running to "cool off" in their air conditioner. Roll down a window and if you live near a desert or it's that hot out...go inside! But I can ALMOST excuse that...however it was overcast that day it wasn't too hot that day so he had to leave is truck idling to run the air conditioner.

2. He didn't park in a parking spot. He actually parked in FRONT of THREE parking spots. He was in the lane where traffic in that lot would be going.

3. By virtue of parking in front of those 3 spots, his truck was not only blocking those 3 spots but also parking spots on the other side of his big ass truck. So essentially he prevented 6 spots from being occupied. Oh and this was at lunch hour mind you.

4. By virtue of being where he was, he was also causing congestion for cars traveling in that lane of the lot..his truck was too big for 2 cars to go around simultaneously.

So when this nominee for the biggest colonic orifice came outside with his food, he got in his truck and sat there eating food while his truck was running. Didn't bother to move it.

The only way he could been a bigger asshole if he shot some nuns and stepped on a child's back to get in his truck.

Now there are 2 sides to every story. Unfortunately both sides of this one unfold the tale of "This Guy Is a Huge Douchebag Prick Asshole"(Is that a Douchickhole or Prickassbag?). Hey, he may win in the category of "Biggest Douchebag" and "Biggest Prick" as well.

Sayings - Stuff That I Question Their Meanings

There are a ton of sayings or adages that are passed down from generations and I often wonder where they come from because they don't make much sense logically. Here are a couple I found particularly "interesting".

A watched pot never boils. - Ok, unless you apply a certain degree of direct heat to it. I've watched water boil in a pot. It takes a while but it boils. And that's the other thing I don't care for in this phrase...they are implying WATER doesn't boil but they just say pot. Pot of what?

Take life by the horns. - So life is a type of bull? A rhino? A goat? Perhaps life is a demon? Or perhaps I'm thinking of the wrong type of horns and life is a marching band or a jazz quartet.

Take it with a grain of salt - I'm not sure how much a grain will do to any thing. Maybe that's the point of the saying; that it won't matter much? But then why mention it anyway?

You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar - Who the F wants to catch a bunch of flies? And you know what else draw flies? Garbage. Piles of crap. Keep your house clean and you won't have any flies.

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade - Ok, did life hand me sugar? Well if we're talking about JUST what life gave me, then sugar would help that homemade "Lifeade" go down a lot easier. Otherwise, I'll be drinking some sour lemonade. And contrast to that, what's so bad about lemons? Maybe the saying should be "if life hands you lemons, dude, it's lemons...don't worry, could be a lot worse."

T.W.A. - Target With Attitude

Life presents hilarity if you just pay attention. I went to Target to get some new sheets for my bed (as opposed to what, the Fridge?...that's what sheets are for!) and noticed the clever concealment of a certain letter in the word "Count". And apparently I have to read them too. I don't know, am I the only one who had to refrain from laughing my ass off with 2 young patrons standing next to me?

Upon first glance you would think some high school kid did this as a prank while working there but there were rows of these. Basically the metal bars that hold the products were exactly in the way of omitting a letter to change the meaning of the word completely.

Target should probably pay attention to this. Then again, I find stuff like this entertaining so I'm glad they did not catch this. I wonder if products containing Count Dracula, Count Chocula or The Count from Sesame Street have had this problem.

King of Beepers, Burgers, Bailbonds...

You ever notice how many Kings there are in the media? I believe it started with Burger King. Makes sense; has a lot of loyal subjects in his Kingdom...Home of the Whoppers...I guess they didnt really go down the King route with the food names. But really he was the only character they developed; McDonalds was run by a clown and he has a lot more "subjects", Grimace, Mayor McCheese, Hamburgerlar, etc al. And the new commercials for BK lately have him running from the authorities. What kind of wuss king has to run from ANYbody?

I live in Southern Cal and I recall in LA we had "JJ the King of Beepers", who had commercials on the radio and billboard ads in which he had a woman in a bikini straddling a giant beeper. Classy king, that JJ. I love this one too.

In Long Beach we had The Bedspread King, Al Greenwood. Sort of a dull kingdom. Not a lot going on in that castle; I've been there. And I think he was like eleventy-five years old on top of it all.

I've also seen SEVERAL billboard ads with different "Kings" of Bailbonds. Again, not a very lively kingdom, and why so many? They are usually the old dudes in a business suit with a typical king crown on too. Where are the Queens and Dukes of Bailbonds? What about the Jester of Bailbonds? And if we're talking about playing cards, isn't the Ace the best one? I'm gonna open up the Ace of Bailbonds and counter the Kings with my young hip swag.

Anyway I thought it would be interesting to find out missed opportunities that may have not come yet to fruition with the King name attached to it. If you think about it there are a lot of compound words with "king" in it.

Cell Phones for Tall guys - Tall-King!

Marijuana sales in the Himalayas - High King!

A great place for Dogs to get liquored up - Bar King!

Answers to questions about Girls with Big Booties - Ass King!

Best Vietnamese place ever - Pho King! (this exists!!!...that's better than the one I found called "What The Pho?").

Clothing store geared towards State Universities - SU-King!

A place for pigs with low socio-economic status - Poor King!

Well just some ideas...

And it's a very male dominated language. I'm wondering why I can't be talqueen to someone when they're asqueen me a question. Maybe if I answer right, thereby barqueen out the right answer, there will be a lot of sucqueen and porqueen going on later!

Super Salad

So why is it that waitresses insist that we order this Super Salad? "Super salad?". I don't get it. What's super about the salad? Unless mine has a half pound of chocolate thai weed in it, it's probably at best, a tasty introduction to my main meal.

If you can't tell, I'm being facetious. But that does lead to the hilarity of voice inflections. Placing certain emphasis on certain words can give you a totally different meaning. In some languages such as Laotian, the difference between the word "I" and the word "penis" is the tone of the word. I'm sure both were true, but I was quickly schooled by a Lao ex-girlfriend of mine of that difference. ;-)

Anyway, don't forget to order your Super Salad today!

Happy Sin Day!

A good friend of mine and I had an interesting discussion that came to the conclusion many if not all our holidays celebrate each of the 7 Deadly Sins. Somewhat ironic but perhaps not too much considering that the holidays often stem from Pagan origins.

Keep in mind these are all American holidays. I don’t have much time to research other countries but if you’re reading this from another one…feel free to drop comments.

Let’s take a look at the 7 Deadly Sins and which holiday best exemplifies them shall we?

1. Sin: Gluttony – Holiday: Thanksgiving of course! What is the best way to celebrate the British exiles wanting freedom coming together with the Wampanoag Indian native American tribes? Stuff your face full of food! Great holiday for the true spirit of gluttony…eat as much as you can of a myriad of foods and the end of the day unbuckle your belt to make room for more. This ties in with my turducken post as well. This is the best holiday to eat Poultry Voltron.

2. Sin: Greed - Holiday: Christmas. Yes the birth of Jesus has a sin affiliated holiday. People will tell you it’s about the spirit of giving. C’mon…it’s about the true spirit of greed; how much, how many, what did you get, how much did that cost, etc. No matter what religion you are, Christmas is an awesome way to augment your greed. Gimmie!

3. Sin: Sloth – Holiday: Labor Day. I just love the irony of NOT working on “Labor” Day. In honor of hard work basically you have a day off, things are closed and you watch football. That’s hard work!

4. Sin: Lust – Holiday: Valentine’s Day. This just passed…the holiday for lovers. And really it’s the holiday for lovers gettin’ it on. Roses, chocolates, hearts and flowers are the quickest way into your lovers pants.

5. Sin: Pride – Holiday: Independence Day. Our founding fathers seceded from the UK to form this great land of ours. To commemorate this, we decide to simulate the war efforts with fireworks, an anthem with rockets and bombs mentioned in it, and extreme vainglory. And BBBQ’s (the extra B is for BYOBB). In your face England!!!

6. Sin: Wrath – Holiday: Veteran’s Day. My grandfather is a WWII vet; which is probably the last major war where we actually fought for a good cause. But I digress, this isn’t about whether or not war is right or wrong, it’s about paying homage to the people that fought them. Honestly we should. But yes we are celebrating the Wrath; the soldiers who fought and slaughtered countless numbers of enemy soldiers (and civilians) for messin’ with our country. We salute you!

7. Sin: Envy – Holiday: Valentine’s Day again. This holiday made it twice because another angle one could take on this is to rub it in the faces of your cohorts who do not have a Valentine and perhaps aren’t getting any that night. Showboat your flowers, teddy bears, candy hearts and box of chocolates. You are lusted after…why not make others envious?

Happy Sin Day!